Driveway From Hell

Here in the great midwest, we get a lot of snow. Thankfully, I have somehow avoided the latest plop of white stuff and that's a good thing. I am slowly running out of places to pile the vile stuff, which makes a tricky driveway, well trickier.

See, our driveway is not perfectly straight. It has a slight bend just at the corner of the house. The Lieutenant likes to back in... me I would prefer to just pull straight in and get my car into the garage asap. After three plus years of backing down the driveway, we have developed many a good story about little oopsies suffered due to my slightly off slab of concrete.

Not too long ago, someone *cough*me*cough* backed into the side of the house. Now now now, I only caught the corner of the siding with my mirror but boy howdy was it hilarious to see the Lieutenant running out the back porch in boxers and boots trying to decide if the loud bang that woke him from a dead sleep was really a shotgun or not. His questions were answered by my hysterical laughter as I tried to tell him what I did. Yeah. I'm graceful. Really.

Then even less long ago (wow that was awkward) I was being a wonderful neighbor and helping shovel the snow out of the driveway directly across from mine. The Lieutenant's Man-wife was pulling up the street and preparing to turn into the driveway. Now, if you have every tried to shovel/snowblow/move snow that has been driven on, you know the urgency of trying to get across the road and stop him from turning into the driveway. As I dashed up the driveway, taking care to step only in the tire tracks he had left (hey running in a foot of snow isn't easy folks!), I didn't realize he had driven half off the concrete and partially over the three foot ditch that sits precariously on the opposite side as the house. Commence ass over tea kettleness. All I hear is hysterical laughter coming from the neighbor I was just trying to help. Somehow she manages to squeak out "are you okay" which was confirmed with an arm shot straight into the air letting her know she is my #1. Yeah, we're cool like that. To make matters worse, the snow was extra deep in the ditch and it required the 'fat-man roll' to get up. Kind of like the grandma pre-stand rocking. This sent the neighbor into leg-crossing-please-don't-pee-my-pants hysterics. I actually wished she would. So then maybe we would be even. I eventually got my frozen hiney out of the ditch and the ManWife got the spreader he needed. All was well with the world.

Alas, last night, The Driveway struck again. After a mediocre dinner with crappy service (a post for another day) at the local Applebee's, Jeanie dropped me off at home. She packed up Baby G and we said our goodbye's. I was mid-pajama change when I heard the tell tale whine of tires being spun. Then my phone started ringing. Now if you want to see something comical, you should watch my sister and I in action. Usually we are an unstoppable force of charm, intelligence and persuasion but last night... oh boy. There are no words. She manned the accelerator, I manned the rear of the car pushing. Yes, it was as bad as you can imagine. In my great wisdom, I decided slipping on the ice/snow combo and adorning my sisters trunk with it's very own Bernice profile wouldn't be so good for me orthe car so I made a few phone calls. And here is where karma pays off. I borrowed previously mentioned neighbors husband. Between the two of us, we pushed Jeanie out and send her on her way. But not before we each marked our respective sides of the driveway with our bodies. Kind of like a field goal post but with worse consequences if she missed. (Laces out! - 100 cool points for whoever gets the reference.)

I think maybe next year we will shoot for some reflectors. I mean, that's just a drop in the bucket after we re-seed half my neighbors freaking lawn.

Just another thing the previous owners effed up in the name of saving money. But hey, at least I get a few good stories out of it.