As you read my blog, it may or may not be apparent that the Lieutenant and I are dealing with infertility. I really hate saying that though because according to our preliminary testing, we are plenty fertile people, we just have horribly bad luck, or something. Well, after a year and a half of trying and longer than that with the attitude of not trying, but not preventing, we are finally going to see a specialist. August 29th is D-day and I am terrified. It is a strange place to be in to hope for something to be wrong so it can be fixed and viola! A baby. At the same time, you really don't want anything to be out of order.
Growing up, you are led to believe you will do the bunny hop once and magically you will be pregnant, or not so magically, depending on the situation. In reality, infertility is incredibly common, we just don't go around asking our friends and families how long they were doing the horizontal tango before they actually conceived. So when the months roll by and then turn into years, it is especially hard not to be calloused, angry and bitter - all things I am desperately trying not to resort to.
The longer the time stretches, the more likely you are to confide in family and close friends. The problem with this is, there really is no good response to help with the emotions that come with it. ESPECIALLY if you have never experienced it yourself. So, because family and friends love you, they offer usually unsolicited advice in an effort to help any way they can. Most of the advice makes sense, eating healthier, reducing stress, losing weight, but some of it tends to just piss you right the eff off - just have fun, don't think about it so much, it is happening for a reason, etc. Eventually you learn to take it all in stride and with a grain of salt. Dealing with advice from others is easy compared to dealing with the struggle that goes on in your head and heart.
For me, all I ever wanted out of life was to be a mom. For a short while, I got to be a mother-figure to an amazing little boy who deserved every last bit of my love and adoration. It was amazing to see him grow and even more so to see him pick up little bits of my personality, even though he wasn't biologically mine. And then the day came when I had to say goodbye and let go. If anything, this solidified my need to have kids of my own, biological or not.
So now I am faced with my current situation. We talked about kids from the start. We both wanted them, even if we had a slightly different time-table. When the time came to start trying, we were excited, nervous and terrified. Our hopes were high and we expected our dreams to follow along and fall into place as we had anticipated. Boy were we wrong. The more time that went by, the harder it was keeping up hope and optimism. Finally we made the decision to talk to the doctor and she was baffled. There literally was not medical reason that she could identify that would explain our situation.
The real low blow came when we realized that our health insurance didn't cover any infertility diagnostics or treatment, including the testing we had just completed. I know it is my own fault for not checking into it before hand, but it would not have made any difference. Slowly we started sharing with family and friends looking for support and as was forewarned, it was almost more difficult with everyone waiting anxiously for news.
Little by little you learn to deal with each step as it comes. At no point does it become easy. This has been a constant uphill battle, especially for me. As hard as I try, I feel angry, disappointed, anxious and bitter. Friends continue to announce their pregnancies and even my sister has gotten pregnant with an "oops". It is especially hard to explain to them that you ARE truly happy for them and that you are overjoyed at their news while at the same time you are dying inside.
I stay insanely busy so I don't have to think about it or sit at home alone. I am told to not be so busy so I can not be as stressed which would mean sitting at home and thinking, getting more and more upset by the minute. I guess it falls into the viscious cycle category.
I'm not sure what I am trying to accomplish here, and I am sure I am coming off as a whiny dingbat, but honestly, I just need to braindump. One way or another, I will have kids. I just have to practice my patience first.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
New addition.
My laptop, which is purple and awesome is on its way as we speak. The Lieutenant claims I ordered a purple one so he would never use it and although that was not the original intent, it sure does work. Heh.
I was told it is *thisclose* to being completed and it should be here by the time we leave for vacation. We shall see Mr. Dellcustomerserviceman. We shall see...
I was told it is *thisclose* to being completed and it should be here by the time we leave for vacation. We shall see Mr. Dellcustomerserviceman. We shall see...
Monday, July 28, 2008
Ahhhhhh...
Left shortly after a quick lunch of cheese ravioli. Had a nice nap on the way up and a nice chat with the Lieutenant and Dad2. Threw some washers and got beat by the boys, despite my ringer. Ate fish as is tradition and had some tasty ice-cold beverages. Went home and had a few more while doing nothing more than swapping stories and enjoying everyones company. Woke to sunlight in my face, birds singing and the Lieutenant, still wrapped around me. French toast and bacon filled our stomachs and we pointed the truck in the direction of adventure. The canoes slipped into the crystal clear water with the smell of fresh mountain air and sunscreen floating around us. Balancing the short canoe was tricky but we easily found a rhythm that was tapped out with the slap-swish of the oars. Laughter and sunshine surrounded us. We did our best, but were outsmarted by the fish that lived below. We sought out lunch and dined on organic vittles all while debating. Browsing quaint downtown we slumbered along. Playing in the cool, crisp water we build a waterfall out of rocks and happiness. Chase the fish and try to coax him out of hiding, he refused. Up the mountain to gather the rocks and inspect the long-forgotten cabin. Short ride down, lifting flat stones carved out by the rain. Muscles flexed and grunts escaped, all rocks were left in the safety of the wagon. Assembly line formed, we placed the rocks in a puzzle pattern, covering the mud. Snacking on vine-ripened berries, staining my hands as I pick them. Off to explore the dirt gravel roads and winding creeks. My arms wrapped around him, my eyes digesting the scenery. Spotted cows, lazy water, tiny cabins dotting the horizon. Giggling like a school girl, I urge him faster and whisper my love in his ear. My heart is full, my smile never ending, the weight gone, if even for a moment. He poked the fire, breathing life and warmth into the yard. Cold drinks, warm laughter and love grows faster than the wildflowers just outside the circle of chairs. The grill puffs and lets lose delicious smells making our stomachs growl in anticipation. We eat. Then we eat some more. Trying not to lose our mouthful as the laughs escape us. Showering clean and sitting beside the crackling dance of fire in our pjs. Our fire has become the center to the outdoor amphitheatre. Borat dances and annoys but we still laugh. Dad2's laugh is infectious creeping into your soul, making everything so insignificant. She keeps us fed and the drinks full. Her love never ends, even for us, who are not her children. I close my eyes and wish for nothing other than this. We retire to the cabin, but do not go to bed. There is more laughing to do. There are dolls in our bed. Scary dolls are replaced with a dancing rat with a springy tail. She is clever, but I catch on. Dad2 entertains with his never ending humor. We all laugh until our faces and bellies hurt. It is a hurt none of us mind. We head to bed, but sleep does not come. The singing from below us makes us giggle like children. All of the laughter pushes out the walls of the cabin, you swear you can hear it sighing with contentment. This is why it is here. Our mouths savor the breakfast fit for an army. Tinkering and stalling are what we do best. This is the worst part of coming. Our departure threatens to make us somber but we still smile and focus on the next visit.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
A Rule NOT To Be Broken
Last night was a bad night. I violated a cardinal rule: do not, under any circumstances, shop for swimwear while alone, PMSing or overly-tired. I had a flag in every category.
Also, I seem to have missed the memo that if you indeed need to torture yourself through the process of trying on tiny pieces of very expensive fabric meant for water festivities, you must complete this BEFORE the month of July. Silly me! I thought the summer months would be prime swim suit season and now I feel the fool.
I went to Target, I went to Kohls (in two seperate counties). I went to Boston Store, Sears, JC Penny, Old Navy and some other random stores.
N.O.T.H.I.N.G.
I either ran the risk of flashing the general public, having a perma-wedgie or losing circulation to my legs. Bottm line: they do not make bottoms for big-assed womenfolk.
So I decided to high-tail it home and end the misery. Took a nice 20 minute run, a hot shower, a high dose of benadryl and headed straight for bed.
Also, I seem to have missed the memo that if you indeed need to torture yourself through the process of trying on tiny pieces of very expensive fabric meant for water festivities, you must complete this BEFORE the month of July. Silly me! I thought the summer months would be prime swim suit season and now I feel the fool.
I went to Target, I went to Kohls (in two seperate counties). I went to Boston Store, Sears, JC Penny, Old Navy and some other random stores.
N.O.T.H.I.N.G.
I either ran the risk of flashing the general public, having a perma-wedgie or losing circulation to my legs. Bottm line: they do not make bottoms for big-assed womenfolk.
So I decided to high-tail it home and end the misery. Took a nice 20 minute run, a hot shower, a high dose of benadryl and headed straight for bed.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Meme Stolen from Epi
I stole this little number from Epi over at Pink Warm And Dry. I need a minute of distraction and I think this is just the thing. You really should go over and check her out. She is funny, beautiful and awesome. Do it. Do it now. Well after you read this wonderful little meme about yours truly.
WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Yes in fact I was. I was named after one of the many children in a particular musical that I could sing forwards, backwards and from the middle through.
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Last night. Because of an OnStar commercial. On the radio. I am losing it.
DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? I have several different 'styles' of writing. Actually I will start off writing and by the end of the page, I find myself writing in cursive. Generally it is a mish-mosh of both, but it is legible.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Sometimes ham. Sometimes turkey. Sometimes salami. Somtimes roast beef. Usually a combination of all of them is what makes me smile.
DO YOU HAVE KIDS? No, I do not. I am trying to remedy that, but apparently the universe has a different opnion on the matter.
IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Definitely. I am painfully loyal, will actually tell you if that shirt looks good on your or not (but I will do it nicely), usually remember your birthday and other silly dates and if I don't I will make it up ten-fold and well, I am fun.
DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Absolutely, punctuated with a hearty eye-roll. It is a must.
DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yes. But I do not have my wisdom teeth, except that root the doc forgot to take out.
WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? No. I have an irrational fear of heights and I loathe that feeling of the prickles bursting from your stomach and radiating in a burning path towards the ends of your limbs.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Kix. Somtemes by themselves. Sometimes with yogurt. Sometimes I just throw them at people and tell them I just kicked them.
DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Never.
DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Physically, I could be stronger, maybe then I wouldn't hurt myself so much when I try and show how tough I am. Emotionally, I am like perfect french bread: crust as hard as a rock with a soft, spongy inside.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? It changes on a daily basis. But whenever I go to DQ, it is a Heath blizzard. When I go to the local frozen custard place, it is twist with a sugar cone. I'd say the top five are Mint Chocolate Chip, Cookies N Cream, Neopolitain (perfect for the indecisive person), Moose Tracks and plain old chocolate.
WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? How they carry themselves and their teeth. I have a thing with teeth.
RED OR PINK? Red. Always red.
WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? My temper and the need to yell to get out the frustration.
WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? The Lieutenant. Hands down.
WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Black dress pants and black heels with white polka dots on them.
WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Coffe and a snickerdoodle dunked in said coffee. Yeah, I am off to a great start of losing weight.
WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Nora Jones. I need something mellow today to match my mood.
IF YOU WHERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Brick Red.
FAVORITE SMELLS? Fresh cut grass mixed with grill smoke, Lilacs, Fresh baked bread, Herbal mint candles, The world right after it stops snowing and the air is so cold it pinches your nose, Right before it starts raining when the air is so heavy it feels like the world is trying to smush you with a big humid hug, My house when it smells lemony-fresh right after I clean it.
WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Jo.
FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? The Green and Gold, baby.
HAIR COLOR[S]? Mousy brown.
EYE COLOR? Brown. Green when I cry.
DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? No, but I do wear glasses when I read and when I am at work staring at a spreadsheet-filled monitor all day.
FAVORITE FOOD? Again, I am totally and completely indecisive and I am not sure if I have one favorite. Here are the top 5. My momma's chicken and dumplings, pulled pork sandwiches, California rolls, fresh baked french bread with balsamic vinegar and olive oil, pasta of any variety.
SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Happy endings. I think the last scary movie I watched was 13 Ghosts when it first came out on DVD. Yeah, it's been that long.
LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Juno. Not a good idea.
WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Dark pink.
SUMMER OR WINTER? Summer because there is nothing better than riding in the Lieutenant's old truck with the windows open, Gary Allan on the stereo and the wind carrying away all my worries. Winter because it is cold and prime time for snuggling under a warm blanket and watching the snow fall outside. And the holidays. LOVE seeing all the family.
HUGS OR KISSES? Hugs. And lots of them. I am a squeeze hugger. Everyone, even if I just met them gets a "real" hug. None of this barely-touch-you-pat-you-on-the-back-two-times hugging. Pansies. If you are going to hug someone, friggin hug them like it will be your only chance.
FAVORITE DESSERT? Pound cake with strawberries. Or cherry pie. Or cheesecake. Or Applebee's Chimicheescakes. What can I saw? I love dessert.
MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? I'm going with no one on this one.
WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? Rescue 471 by Peter Canning. <-- No shit Epi, so am I.
WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Our department logo.
WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON T.V. LAST NIGHT? Code Blue, Trauma: Life in the ER, Deadliest Catch, Bones. I was a lazy bum last night.
FAVORITE SOUND[S]? My nieces and nephews laughing, the sound of the ocean waves hitting the beach
ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Beatles, particularly, Blackbird.
WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Boston, MA.
DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? Seeing both sides of the story. Sometimes this makes decision making that much more difficult, but I would rather be able to see both sides of the argument than to have tunnel vision.
WHERE WERE YOU BORN? A hospital one county south on the east end.
WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Yes in fact I was. I was named after one of the many children in a particular musical that I could sing forwards, backwards and from the middle through.
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Last night. Because of an OnStar commercial. On the radio. I am losing it.
DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? I have several different 'styles' of writing. Actually I will start off writing and by the end of the page, I find myself writing in cursive. Generally it is a mish-mosh of both, but it is legible.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Sometimes ham. Sometimes turkey. Sometimes salami. Somtimes roast beef. Usually a combination of all of them is what makes me smile.
DO YOU HAVE KIDS? No, I do not. I am trying to remedy that, but apparently the universe has a different opnion on the matter.
IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Definitely. I am painfully loyal, will actually tell you if that shirt looks good on your or not (but I will do it nicely), usually remember your birthday and other silly dates and if I don't I will make it up ten-fold and well, I am fun.
DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Absolutely, punctuated with a hearty eye-roll. It is a must.
DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yes. But I do not have my wisdom teeth, except that root the doc forgot to take out.
WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? No. I have an irrational fear of heights and I loathe that feeling of the prickles bursting from your stomach and radiating in a burning path towards the ends of your limbs.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Kix. Somtemes by themselves. Sometimes with yogurt. Sometimes I just throw them at people and tell them I just kicked them.
DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Never.
DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Physically, I could be stronger, maybe then I wouldn't hurt myself so much when I try and show how tough I am. Emotionally, I am like perfect french bread: crust as hard as a rock with a soft, spongy inside.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? It changes on a daily basis. But whenever I go to DQ, it is a Heath blizzard. When I go to the local frozen custard place, it is twist with a sugar cone. I'd say the top five are Mint Chocolate Chip, Cookies N Cream, Neopolitain (perfect for the indecisive person), Moose Tracks and plain old chocolate.
WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? How they carry themselves and their teeth. I have a thing with teeth.
RED OR PINK? Red. Always red.
WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? My temper and the need to yell to get out the frustration.
WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? The Lieutenant. Hands down.
WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Black dress pants and black heels with white polka dots on them.
WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Coffe and a snickerdoodle dunked in said coffee. Yeah, I am off to a great start of losing weight.
WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Nora Jones. I need something mellow today to match my mood.
IF YOU WHERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Brick Red.
FAVORITE SMELLS? Fresh cut grass mixed with grill smoke, Lilacs, Fresh baked bread, Herbal mint candles, The world right after it stops snowing and the air is so cold it pinches your nose, Right before it starts raining when the air is so heavy it feels like the world is trying to smush you with a big humid hug, My house when it smells lemony-fresh right after I clean it.
WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Jo.
FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? The Green and Gold, baby.
HAIR COLOR[S]? Mousy brown.
EYE COLOR? Brown. Green when I cry.
DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? No, but I do wear glasses when I read and when I am at work staring at a spreadsheet-filled monitor all day.
FAVORITE FOOD? Again, I am totally and completely indecisive and I am not sure if I have one favorite. Here are the top 5. My momma's chicken and dumplings, pulled pork sandwiches, California rolls, fresh baked french bread with balsamic vinegar and olive oil, pasta of any variety.
SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Happy endings. I think the last scary movie I watched was 13 Ghosts when it first came out on DVD. Yeah, it's been that long.
LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Juno. Not a good idea.
WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Dark pink.
SUMMER OR WINTER? Summer because there is nothing better than riding in the Lieutenant's old truck with the windows open, Gary Allan on the stereo and the wind carrying away all my worries. Winter because it is cold and prime time for snuggling under a warm blanket and watching the snow fall outside. And the holidays. LOVE seeing all the family.
HUGS OR KISSES? Hugs. And lots of them. I am a squeeze hugger. Everyone, even if I just met them gets a "real" hug. None of this barely-touch-you-pat-you-on-the-back-two-times hugging. Pansies. If you are going to hug someone, friggin hug them like it will be your only chance.
FAVORITE DESSERT? Pound cake with strawberries. Or cherry pie. Or cheesecake. Or Applebee's Chimicheescakes. What can I saw? I love dessert.
MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? I'm going with no one on this one.
WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? Rescue 471 by Peter Canning. <-- No shit Epi, so am I.
WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Our department logo.
WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON T.V. LAST NIGHT? Code Blue, Trauma: Life in the ER, Deadliest Catch, Bones. I was a lazy bum last night.
FAVORITE SOUND[S]? My nieces and nephews laughing, the sound of the ocean waves hitting the beach
ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Beatles, particularly, Blackbird.
WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Boston, MA.
DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? Seeing both sides of the story. Sometimes this makes decision making that much more difficult, but I would rather be able to see both sides of the argument than to have tunnel vision.
WHERE WERE YOU BORN? A hospital one county south on the east end.
Monday, July 21, 2008
NSR Week 5 - Untitled
Thanks to the folks over at Normal Sinus Rythm, I have an outlet for this.
I stood at the sink trying not to let the toothpaste dribble down my chin. I went over the list of nightly to-dos and waited on my routine nightly call from the Lieutenant. The hair on the back of my neck stood straight out when I heard the familiar ring of a text message on my phone. I spit, rinsed and trotted to the bedroom. I flipped my phone open which unleashed the goosebumps as they raced down my spine. I shiver of dread raced after them.
I jumped into my jeans and yanked on my socks. I didn't even bother with shoes as I skipped all three steps from the porch to the driveway. I ducked under the garage door, cursing it's slowness. On went my little red light, doing it's best to alert everyone to the sadness it seems to bring.
My ears were perked as I heard the update. Two cars and a tractor, at least 5 patients. Silently I prayed; for myself, for the patients, for the families. I wasn't sure who I was praying to, but pray I did. Sally and I each spiked a bag and laid out a set of 16's and 14's. The lurch of the brake announced our arrival. Before my purple hand could reach for the door, it flew open to reveal a face of worry, fear and trust. The Chief pointed us to the first car on our end of the county line. Noel and Chad grabbed the jump kit, Sally a few steps behind me. Around the front of the ambulance I saw a vague shape that once was a car. I gulped back the rush of vomit as it rose in my throat. This was not the time.
An off duty duputy slid aside while holding the girls head upright. His calm demeanor permeating my skin and into my soul.
"She has only breathed four times that I could count. Never regained consciousness and is bleeding pretty bad."
I nodded and asked if he wanted to walk away. He shook his head and I was thankful for his steady hand.
I looked behind me for Chad and the backboard. This was no time to stay and play. I sent out directions and in one swift movement, she was free and we were racing our way to the ambulance. All of us begging for her to hang on, some verbally, some just with the burn in their muscles.
The familiar symphony started. This time, an undercurrent of foreboding flogged the beat and stuck in our ears. Tempers flared and egos flexed their muscles all while song played steady, unhampered by the ugliness that threatened it. The tube went in, the IVs were placed, the pulse checked and rechecked, prayers floated towards heaven. Beads of sweat dripped in rhythm all of our hearts beating along with hers. Everything was checked and rechecked.
We handed her off to take the last flight of her life. Our tears went down as the helicopter went up, floating on our thoughts and skattering the pieces of our broken hearts.
I am very thankful and awed that despite their pain her family saw fit to give the gift of life and hope to other families. Learn about organ donation and share your wishes with your family.
I stood at the sink trying not to let the toothpaste dribble down my chin. I went over the list of nightly to-dos and waited on my routine nightly call from the Lieutenant. The hair on the back of my neck stood straight out when I heard the familiar ring of a text message on my phone. I spit, rinsed and trotted to the bedroom. I flipped my phone open which unleashed the goosebumps as they raced down my spine. I shiver of dread raced after them.
I jumped into my jeans and yanked on my socks. I didn't even bother with shoes as I skipped all three steps from the porch to the driveway. I ducked under the garage door, cursing it's slowness. On went my little red light, doing it's best to alert everyone to the sadness it seems to bring.
My ears were perked as I heard the update. Two cars and a tractor, at least 5 patients. Silently I prayed; for myself, for the patients, for the families. I wasn't sure who I was praying to, but pray I did. Sally and I each spiked a bag and laid out a set of 16's and 14's. The lurch of the brake announced our arrival. Before my purple hand could reach for the door, it flew open to reveal a face of worry, fear and trust. The Chief pointed us to the first car on our end of the county line. Noel and Chad grabbed the jump kit, Sally a few steps behind me. Around the front of the ambulance I saw a vague shape that once was a car. I gulped back the rush of vomit as it rose in my throat. This was not the time.
An off duty duputy slid aside while holding the girls head upright. His calm demeanor permeating my skin and into my soul.
"She has only breathed four times that I could count. Never regained consciousness and is bleeding pretty bad."
I nodded and asked if he wanted to walk away. He shook his head and I was thankful for his steady hand.
I looked behind me for Chad and the backboard. This was no time to stay and play. I sent out directions and in one swift movement, she was free and we were racing our way to the ambulance. All of us begging for her to hang on, some verbally, some just with the burn in their muscles.
The familiar symphony started. This time, an undercurrent of foreboding flogged the beat and stuck in our ears. Tempers flared and egos flexed their muscles all while song played steady, unhampered by the ugliness that threatened it. The tube went in, the IVs were placed, the pulse checked and rechecked, prayers floated towards heaven. Beads of sweat dripped in rhythm all of our hearts beating along with hers. Everything was checked and rechecked.
We handed her off to take the last flight of her life. Our tears went down as the helicopter went up, floating on our thoughts and skattering the pieces of our broken hearts.
I am very thankful and awed that despite their pain her family saw fit to give the gift of life and hope to other families. Learn about organ donation and share your wishes with your family.
You know what they say...
What is worse than finding a worm in your apple pear?
Half a worm.
Happy friggin Monday to me. Blehck.
Half a worm.
Happy friggin Monday to me. Blehck.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
How do you know?
At what point are you too involved with concern for your patients? I am starting to feel like I am the only one that can't stone wall all the emotion back. I am sad when people die. I am sad when kids get hurt. I am sad when the prognosis isn't good.
I am starting to feel like this is a deficiency. I feel like I am doing something wrong here and I dont' like that one bit.
I am starting to feel like this is a deficiency. I feel like I am doing something wrong here and I dont' like that one bit.
Ergo the Ego
When someone utters the word 'Paragod' most of us smile and nod and think of our favorite paramedic, usually the ones that have water walking on the top of their resume. In my career I have been fortunate as I have never had to deal with this kind of attitude to any concerning extent. In fact, I have generally had very pleasant interactions with ALS.
Unfortunately, my record has been marred.
My ambulance, with two EMT-P, two EMT-IV and an EMT-B scooped and ran with a pt with agonal respirations and extensive trauma to the head. Much to my dismay, when I asked for some assistance from a fellow dept member, she was not there, but instead I find SuperCriticalCareParagod. At this point, it really doesn't matter, we have a job to do and the patient comes first. We scoop, we run. Once in the ambulance, that's when the REAL fun started. We were all simultaneously doing our jobs as we should. I have previously described this kind of situation as a symphony. SCCP kept changing the song right in the middle. Just as the tube was about to be placed, she disagreed on the size. Little did she know that she would have a heaping serving of crow when she suggested to another paramedic that unless she was the paramedic in charge she should consider being quiet. Whoopsie.
And that's when SCCP and her sidekick excuse two of my emts from the squad. Um, no. That's not how this is going to go. We are a team here and you are not going to split up our team, but for the sake of not causing a scene, they left.
Normally, we get regular updates from our firefighters on the status of the helicopter and we appreciate it. So when our CHIEF stuck his head in the door to advise us they were on the ground and the bitch told him to get the fuck out... yeah... you can imagine how well that went over.
Our other paramedic stepped in to help bag the patient as everyone had their hands full, except SCCP and her sidekick. As she was bagging Sidekick told her to get the fuck out. Um, no.
I have one paramedic that I know and trust telling me to do one thing, and SCCP telling me not to. Who do I pick? The one that is actually running the call or the one that just thinks she is running the call?
Bottom line is, they were out of line. There were four other patients to be assessed and they decided that they wanted our patient. Which, if we didn't have a paramedic already there, would be great, but since we already had TWO, they were not needed.
They helped trash the ambulance and simply walked away.
No one stands up to SCCP. Not her chief, not any of the EMTs because if they do, she makes their life a living hell and makes a point of correcting them in front of the most people possible. She is also the same EMT that I have given a full report to, requested a splint and easy transport and she rolled her eyes at me and started the entire assessment over. She has been trash talking me and my department for months.
To say I am livid is not really a strong enough word. Running on two hours of sleep and about three cups of coffee doesn't help the situation either.
I don't care if you think the sun shines out your ass. When it comes to patient care, the patient comes first, not your ego. Check it at the door people.
Unfortunately, my record has been marred.
My ambulance, with two EMT-P, two EMT-IV and an EMT-B scooped and ran with a pt with agonal respirations and extensive trauma to the head. Much to my dismay, when I asked for some assistance from a fellow dept member, she was not there, but instead I find SuperCriticalCareParagod. At this point, it really doesn't matter, we have a job to do and the patient comes first. We scoop, we run. Once in the ambulance, that's when the REAL fun started. We were all simultaneously doing our jobs as we should. I have previously described this kind of situation as a symphony. SCCP kept changing the song right in the middle. Just as the tube was about to be placed, she disagreed on the size. Little did she know that she would have a heaping serving of crow when she suggested to another paramedic that unless she was the paramedic in charge she should consider being quiet. Whoopsie.
And that's when SCCP and her sidekick excuse two of my emts from the squad. Um, no. That's not how this is going to go. We are a team here and you are not going to split up our team, but for the sake of not causing a scene, they left.
Normally, we get regular updates from our firefighters on the status of the helicopter and we appreciate it. So when our CHIEF stuck his head in the door to advise us they were on the ground and the bitch told him to get the fuck out... yeah... you can imagine how well that went over.
Our other paramedic stepped in to help bag the patient as everyone had their hands full, except SCCP and her sidekick. As she was bagging Sidekick told her to get the fuck out. Um, no.
I have one paramedic that I know and trust telling me to do one thing, and SCCP telling me not to. Who do I pick? The one that is actually running the call or the one that just thinks she is running the call?
Bottom line is, they were out of line. There were four other patients to be assessed and they decided that they wanted our patient. Which, if we didn't have a paramedic already there, would be great, but since we already had TWO, they were not needed.
They helped trash the ambulance and simply walked away.
No one stands up to SCCP. Not her chief, not any of the EMTs because if they do, she makes their life a living hell and makes a point of correcting them in front of the most people possible. She is also the same EMT that I have given a full report to, requested a splint and easy transport and she rolled her eyes at me and started the entire assessment over. She has been trash talking me and my department for months.
To say I am livid is not really a strong enough word. Running on two hours of sleep and about three cups of coffee doesn't help the situation either.
I don't care if you think the sun shines out your ass. When it comes to patient care, the patient comes first, not your ego. Check it at the door people.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Life.
We are done with our annual fundraiser, but now the cleanup and finalization of everything needs to be done. I have been running calls like crazy and restraining at least half of them. I swear this town is going bat shit crazy.
I am holding out for two weeks and the Lieutenant and I will be spending our weekend amongst the trees at the cabin and simultanously avoiding the county fair and the drunks that go with it. Two weeks after that, we will be celebrating our three year anniversary with a week spent fishing and sleeping and pretty much whatever the hell we want.
Sorry I have nothing of interest to post. I got nothin' right now.
I am holding out for two weeks and the Lieutenant and I will be spending our weekend amongst the trees at the cabin and simultanously avoiding the county fair and the drunks that go with it. Two weeks after that, we will be celebrating our three year anniversary with a week spent fishing and sleeping and pretty much whatever the hell we want.
Sorry I have nothing of interest to post. I got nothin' right now.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Edukated.
How do you NOT mess with teenagers who partook a little too much with the acid-fest that was called a "party?" Because I had to bite my tongue more than once.
He was on repeat informing us he was stoned. Yeah, no shit Sherlock.
He burned the lasagna. Oh wait, that was the dirt he ate while being restrained by PD.
He was a cat. The word meow permeaded our assessment.
He was short a ticket to the Almond Brothers concert we were attending so one of us would have to leave. Tuck and roll baby. Tuck and roll.
He was pinching the mushrooms off of our skin. Unfortunately for him, there was a BIG one right on the deputy's gun... yeah
A good chuckle was had by all... especially once at the hospital and Will was looking for the key to the restraints to transfer him over.
Will: Do you have the key?
Me: While holding it in the air with forefinger and thumb You mean this gate key?
Nurse: *blink* *blink*
Me thinks she didn't get it.
He was on repeat informing us he was stoned. Yeah, no shit Sherlock.
He burned the lasagna. Oh wait, that was the dirt he ate while being restrained by PD.
He was a cat. The word meow permeaded our assessment.
He was short a ticket to the Almond Brothers concert we were attending so one of us would have to leave. Tuck and roll baby. Tuck and roll.
He was pinching the mushrooms off of our skin. Unfortunately for him, there was a BIG one right on the deputy's gun... yeah
A good chuckle was had by all... especially once at the hospital and Will was looking for the key to the restraints to transfer him over.
Will: Do you have the key?
Me: While holding it in the air with forefinger and thumb You mean this gate key?
Nurse: *blink* *blink*
Me thinks she didn't get it.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Thank you may I have another?
If you recall, the Lieutenant and I (well, mostly him) had a little pow wow with the local friendly law enforcement.
Well, yesterday I was interested to see why the county was sending us a letter. Silly me, I assumed it was in regards to the recent phone messages we had been receiving as a warning of some criminal activity in our neighborhood. If only I should be so lucky... this was no friendly little note, it was a ticket, for disturbing the peace. With it came a photo copied piece of paper that was practically folded into origami outlining the ordinance. Oh yes, $176 for disturbing the peace. I am PISSED.
We have a court date on August 7th. So now the Lieutenant has to take a day off of work and we have to go down and try to get the fines dropped. What a royal pain in the ass.
Since there is nothing I can do at this point in time, I figured I would do some laundry and what do I find? My "bend a man's will" skirt was half eaten. The zipper was meticulously nibbled from the cloth and the hem was undone with precise care. I have no clue which dog did it, but it was one of the black dogs. I would put money on the littlest fucker since the skirt was laying across the back of the recliner all set to go to the dry cleaners. She is the only dog that has the habit of climbing up on the recliner.
Either way, the skirt is gone. The one piece of clothing I felt good in.
Flash forward to 1:30am. Power goes out. Power comes on. Power goes out. Power comes on. The poor Lieutenant just wanted to take a shower and go to bed. Unfortunately he had to settle for a washcloth in between outages.
I am praying that our annual fund raiser goes well this weekend and the wedding for the evil step-sister is drama free. I don't know if I can handle any more "challenges" right now.
Well, yesterday I was interested to see why the county was sending us a letter. Silly me, I assumed it was in regards to the recent phone messages we had been receiving as a warning of some criminal activity in our neighborhood. If only I should be so lucky... this was no friendly little note, it was a ticket, for disturbing the peace. With it came a photo copied piece of paper that was practically folded into origami outlining the ordinance. Oh yes, $176 for disturbing the peace. I am PISSED.
We have a court date on August 7th. So now the Lieutenant has to take a day off of work and we have to go down and try to get the fines dropped. What a royal pain in the ass.
Since there is nothing I can do at this point in time, I figured I would do some laundry and what do I find? My "bend a man's will" skirt was half eaten. The zipper was meticulously nibbled from the cloth and the hem was undone with precise care. I have no clue which dog did it, but it was one of the black dogs. I would put money on the littlest fucker since the skirt was laying across the back of the recliner all set to go to the dry cleaners. She is the only dog that has the habit of climbing up on the recliner.
Either way, the skirt is gone. The one piece of clothing I felt good in.
Flash forward to 1:30am. Power goes out. Power comes on. Power goes out. Power comes on. The poor Lieutenant just wanted to take a shower and go to bed. Unfortunately he had to settle for a washcloth in between outages.
I am praying that our annual fund raiser goes well this weekend and the wedding for the evil step-sister is drama free. I don't know if I can handle any more "challenges" right now.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
I made it this far.
Without having any serious peds calls.
I guess I just get another check on the list of calls people pray they never have to respond to.
I guess I just get another check on the list of calls people pray they never have to respond to.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
PSA To the women out there...
Get thee to Steve & Barry's and look at Sarah Jessica Parker's 'Bitten' line.
Cute clothes for under $10.
Oh and you are welcome. :)
Cute clothes for under $10.
Oh and you are welcome. :)
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
An explanation.
ATV MVA. Two people, one "patient". The rangers called us for one of them. The other denied injury. Pt 1 c/o wrist pain and nausea. I am a dolt and decided that pt 2 didn't need to sign a refusal because the rangers never called for him, just pt 1. Right? Wrong.
I was being a dumbass. Of course he has to sign a refusal. He was involved in the MVA. It is the same as if it was a 2 car MVA. Everyone involved gets paperwork.
The other EMT knew I was being a dummy and said nothing, instead got pissed at me. It was eventually cleared up, but dang I am not happy with myself.
As a result, I am realizing I am so not prepared for my new position as captain. The next few months are going to be rough. I am feeling completely and totally overwhelmed right now.
I was being a dumbass. Of course he has to sign a refusal. He was involved in the MVA. It is the same as if it was a 2 car MVA. Everyone involved gets paperwork.
The other EMT knew I was being a dummy and said nothing, instead got pissed at me. It was eventually cleared up, but dang I am not happy with myself.
As a result, I am realizing I am so not prepared for my new position as captain. The next few months are going to be rough. I am feeling completely and totally overwhelmed right now.
My Joy
Epi asked a very good question. "What is your joy?"
So I sat here at my desk, staring at my computer and tried to find that happy place. You know the place where you are so content you want to pinch yourself because it just doesn't seem real? Well this is one of my joys.
A not so long time ago, I was a sad, angry person. My life was a mess and I was a mess. I was making bad decisions and letting other people rule me. Then I met a man. That man is my joy. That man showed me what it was like to be loved and accepted for who I am, even with my faults and shortcomings. Sometimes we butt heads and don't see eye to eye, but in the end, it is him that makes my heart happy.
My joy is my amazing husband.
So I sat here at my desk, staring at my computer and tried to find that happy place. You know the place where you are so content you want to pinch yourself because it just doesn't seem real? Well this is one of my joys.
A not so long time ago, I was a sad, angry person. My life was a mess and I was a mess. I was making bad decisions and letting other people rule me. Then I met a man. That man is my joy. That man showed me what it was like to be loved and accepted for who I am, even with my faults and shortcomings. Sometimes we butt heads and don't see eye to eye, but in the end, it is him that makes my heart happy.
My joy is my amazing husband.
Monday, July 7, 2008
Crow.
I was in the wrong.
No one bothered to disagree and let me know I was being a dolt.
Instead they got angry and now harbor resentment.
I don't know if I am really prepared to do this.
No one bothered to disagree and let me know I was being a dolt.
Instead they got angry and now harbor resentment.
I don't know if I am really prepared to do this.
When the tables turn.
It was a sunny winter day where the sunlight bore down on the snow and bounced off of it to glare straight into your eye. The kind of day that tricks you into thinking that it is relatively warm from the brightness of the sun when in reality it is cold enough outside to make a polar bear shiver. It was a happy day. The day was winding down and staring out the window was all there was left to do. You could feel the anticipation in the air as the classroom buzzed with talk of plans for the weekend.
The ringing of the bell signaled our freedom and we poured into the hallway amongst the sound of lockers slamming and coats zipping. I braced myself against the chill as I opened the door to my two day break from homework and ridicule. Will and I bantered back and forth, trying to one up the other with our juvenile jokes. We jumped into the waiting warmth as I relayed the tales of the day. Gossip was shared, teachers were mocked and I was smiling.
My arms flailed over the dash as my tongue danced in my mouth with the stories were tumbling out. We were all laughing and smiling.
My ears filled with the deafening sound of rubber being scrubbed along the rough pavement, metal crushing under the force bending against its will. A sickening thud resounded in my ears and ended the screeching. I desperately grasped at the dash and blinked.
There was silence was drowning out the ringing in my ears. It was hot, too hot. I squinted to make my eyes focus on what was around me, shaking my head to break up the fog that had taken over. I looked down as saw Will's can of root beer laying on it's side spilling the remnants. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think, I couldn't move. I started sobbing.
I called back to Will, the fear and desperation palpable in the air. The words "I'm okay" were the sweetest I had ever heard. I closed my eyes and tried again to focus, to wrap my mind around what had happened. I realized I was stuck; pinned to the dash. I looked to the left and saw his eyes and felt the hot, sticky pain clouding my vision. My heart started racing and my stomach begged to rid itself of my lunch. If I could just have one minute to think, to remember...
There were voices now. Some familiar and some I didn't know. There was a new screech as the colors danced across the windshield.
Of course I knew what day it was. I was going to be late for work. I remember everything, I think. No, it doesn't hurt. Maybe my hip? I don't know... My head was spinning and I wasn't sure if I was answering correctly. No one would tell me where Will was despite my frequent requests. Then I heard him, telling me I was okay, that it would be okay he was there. The tears pooled in my ears, further obstructing my hearing and thoughts. Everyone was talking, but not to me. I was alone in a crowd of unknown faces.
The eyes peered down at me and flitted away to the unknown. I was cold again. So cold I was shivering. It hurt to shake and it hurt more to try and stop it. I was held captive by straps and my own muscles. I could feel my throat getting tight my eyes held shut tightly. They wanted me to open my eyes, they demanded, but I refused. I could feel the shards of glass weighing down on my lids. I was not going to let them in. It felt like my heart had been transplanted into my forehead and there it beat with enthusiasm, bringing a stinging pain along with it.
They tightened the strap across my forehead and I cried out as I felt the angry little pieces burrow deeper into my skin. I laid there in agony, shivering so much, my muscles started burning. The tears began rolling down my cheeks, pooling in my ears, making the commotion around me waver in and out. I felt alone and scared. I couldn't open my eyes and even though the small little box was filled with people, I might as well have been lying there by myself.
At first my voice was small and weak. Slowly it turned frantic and wild. I was cold. Very cold. The shivering was now painful and I felt like I couldn't breathe. The sobs and shivers were at war to see which would overtake me. I was reassured by a gruff voice, "You're fine. Quit freaking out." I laid and cried silently as the ambulance lurched forward, causing the strap on my forehead slowly grind the tiny shards of glass deeper.
I contemplated how stupid I was, I scolded myself for being so dumb. I told myself I deserved this. I prepared myself for the biting words I was certain would eventually come from my father, as soon as they returned from Florida. All I wanted was someone to tell me it was going to be okay. Visions of my scarred and deformed face danced in my mind. I was prepared to be an outcast and to be ugly for the rest of my life. I braced myself for the inevitable.
The ambulance came to a stop and I heard movement and talking, but rarely to me. I counted the steady pulse of my forehead, trying to distract myself from the loneliness. The cot came to a sudden stop and my whole body shifted, sending searing pain and a new trickle of blood down my temple. I heard giggles and some comment about a wall. They adjusted the cot and we were on our way again.
I heard the report between the nurse and the EMT. Apparently they thought as highly as me as I thought of them. I asked where Will was and no one answered me. I asked again, this time shouting. I wasn't going to be ignored anymore. I was still cold, I was exhausted and I was getting mad. Finally, that familiar hand grabbed mine. Will reassured me, he wiped the tears from my cheek and told me I would be okay. He was there and he was going to take care of me. I told him I was so cold and he promised to come back. I heard him outside the room asking the nurse for a warm blanket. He layed the thin sheet over me and tucked it in at the sides. He held my hands in between his trying to keep me warm. I told him I was still cold and when he asked for another blanket, the nurse reported that she thought I was fine and didn't need another one. Silence followed except the creek of well worn hinges groaning as they were flexed. I felt the weight of warm blankets cover me, one by one. Apparently Will had taken it upon himself to empty the warmer of all it's contents and lay them across me.
The nurse returned to chastise Will. How dare he?! She then turned her angst on me. She berated me on the stupidity of being unbelted and instructed me of the guilt I should feel as this was solely my doing. She gruffly swabbed my forehead with a cold towel and told me to open my eyes. I refused and she got angrier. I told her I could feel glass on my eyelids and I was scared they would get in my eye. She ran the towel across my face and I could feel my skin being scratched even more. I couldn't take it anymore. I got angry but couldn't articulate through the sobs. With a sigh of disgust, I hear the squeak of a defiant shoe an then more silence. I decided I would prefer the silence to the biting words of an angry unsympathetic nurse. Somewhere in the distance I could hear the tail ends of a different lecture, this time it was a man that was doing the lecturing.
The clanging of metal and creak of leather accompanied the next pair of squeaky shoes. The sink ran and the washrag was twisted. A deep, soothing voice calmed my sobbing as a rough hand gently held mine. The other dabbed about my face. It was the same voice that I heard moments ago. After some care to my eyes, the calm voice coaxed them open. The room was bright and it hurt at first. The ceiling tiles ran above me and the white walls reflected the glare. A brown shirt and shining star appeared above me as well as a round smiling face. Gently he informed me that Will had been sent to the waiting room and that he had a single scratch on his shin that was now bandaged. I was issued my citation for the lack of a seat belt and I was told my new nurse would be in shortly and he had filed a complaint on my behalf due to the behavior of the previous nurse. For the first time, the shivering stopped.
I could hear the hustle and bustle outside the door of my room. I actually smiled when I heard that the waiting room was full of people that were waiting to see me. My new nurse came in and clucked and cooed as she gently removed the strap from my forehead. She replaced the now cool blankets with ones that were fresh from the warmer. She assured me that she had spoken directly with my parents in Florida and that they had consented to the x-rays of my wrist and hip. The doc came in and poked, prodded and quizzed. I was deemed well enough to sit up and be removed from my restraints. It took three attempts, but I was finally resting as comfortably as possible. I could hear Rick in the hallway, demanding to see me. When his face appeared in the doorway I could tell he was trying not to look horrified, but I could tell. My cousin Ray was behind him and they both looked as though they had seen a ghost. I knew then that it was bad. Really bad. They each gave me a hug and a strained smile before I was wheeled out for x-rays.
My aunt and uncle each held a hand as the doctor did his best to free my skin of the tiny shards of glass. More reinforcements in form of the 5' fiery storm known as Claudia were called in to convince me of stitches. After 45 minutes of a new form of torture known as glass removal, I had had enough. I just wanted to go home and try to forget what had happened. I was awarded my $10 seatbelt ticket and a brace for my wrist and an agonizing ride home.
I held it together until it came time to shower. With one good hand and spells of nausea and dizziness, I strained to remove my blood soaked clothes. I gingerly washed my hair and cried out in horror as a thick pelt of my hair circled towards the drain. I gave up and sat on the shower floor and cried. I surrendered to the guilt, the pain and the mutilation. I resigned to being disfigured for the rest of my life.
I spent the next year of my life dodging pictures, keeping long bangs and wearing hats low to cover my face. I am happy to say that after 8 years, I hardly notice my scars and even less frequently strangers comment.
I have to say that my experience as a patient in the ambulance, but more as a frightened kid definitely shapes who I am as an EMT today. I hold hands, reserve judgment, forgo lectures and dry tears, because sometimes, a little caring is the best medicine we can give.
The ringing of the bell signaled our freedom and we poured into the hallway amongst the sound of lockers slamming and coats zipping. I braced myself against the chill as I opened the door to my two day break from homework and ridicule. Will and I bantered back and forth, trying to one up the other with our juvenile jokes. We jumped into the waiting warmth as I relayed the tales of the day. Gossip was shared, teachers were mocked and I was smiling.
My arms flailed over the dash as my tongue danced in my mouth with the stories were tumbling out. We were all laughing and smiling.
My ears filled with the deafening sound of rubber being scrubbed along the rough pavement, metal crushing under the force bending against its will. A sickening thud resounded in my ears and ended the screeching. I desperately grasped at the dash and blinked.
There was silence was drowning out the ringing in my ears. It was hot, too hot. I squinted to make my eyes focus on what was around me, shaking my head to break up the fog that had taken over. I looked down as saw Will's can of root beer laying on it's side spilling the remnants. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think, I couldn't move. I started sobbing.
I called back to Will, the fear and desperation palpable in the air. The words "I'm okay" were the sweetest I had ever heard. I closed my eyes and tried again to focus, to wrap my mind around what had happened. I realized I was stuck; pinned to the dash. I looked to the left and saw his eyes and felt the hot, sticky pain clouding my vision. My heart started racing and my stomach begged to rid itself of my lunch. If I could just have one minute to think, to remember...
There were voices now. Some familiar and some I didn't know. There was a new screech as the colors danced across the windshield.
Of course I knew what day it was. I was going to be late for work. I remember everything, I think. No, it doesn't hurt. Maybe my hip? I don't know... My head was spinning and I wasn't sure if I was answering correctly. No one would tell me where Will was despite my frequent requests. Then I heard him, telling me I was okay, that it would be okay he was there. The tears pooled in my ears, further obstructing my hearing and thoughts. Everyone was talking, but not to me. I was alone in a crowd of unknown faces.
The eyes peered down at me and flitted away to the unknown. I was cold again. So cold I was shivering. It hurt to shake and it hurt more to try and stop it. I was held captive by straps and my own muscles. I could feel my throat getting tight my eyes held shut tightly. They wanted me to open my eyes, they demanded, but I refused. I could feel the shards of glass weighing down on my lids. I was not going to let them in. It felt like my heart had been transplanted into my forehead and there it beat with enthusiasm, bringing a stinging pain along with it.
They tightened the strap across my forehead and I cried out as I felt the angry little pieces burrow deeper into my skin. I laid there in agony, shivering so much, my muscles started burning. The tears began rolling down my cheeks, pooling in my ears, making the commotion around me waver in and out. I felt alone and scared. I couldn't open my eyes and even though the small little box was filled with people, I might as well have been lying there by myself.
At first my voice was small and weak. Slowly it turned frantic and wild. I was cold. Very cold. The shivering was now painful and I felt like I couldn't breathe. The sobs and shivers were at war to see which would overtake me. I was reassured by a gruff voice, "You're fine. Quit freaking out." I laid and cried silently as the ambulance lurched forward, causing the strap on my forehead slowly grind the tiny shards of glass deeper.
I contemplated how stupid I was, I scolded myself for being so dumb. I told myself I deserved this. I prepared myself for the biting words I was certain would eventually come from my father, as soon as they returned from Florida. All I wanted was someone to tell me it was going to be okay. Visions of my scarred and deformed face danced in my mind. I was prepared to be an outcast and to be ugly for the rest of my life. I braced myself for the inevitable.
The ambulance came to a stop and I heard movement and talking, but rarely to me. I counted the steady pulse of my forehead, trying to distract myself from the loneliness. The cot came to a sudden stop and my whole body shifted, sending searing pain and a new trickle of blood down my temple. I heard giggles and some comment about a wall. They adjusted the cot and we were on our way again.
I heard the report between the nurse and the EMT. Apparently they thought as highly as me as I thought of them. I asked where Will was and no one answered me. I asked again, this time shouting. I wasn't going to be ignored anymore. I was still cold, I was exhausted and I was getting mad. Finally, that familiar hand grabbed mine. Will reassured me, he wiped the tears from my cheek and told me I would be okay. He was there and he was going to take care of me. I told him I was so cold and he promised to come back. I heard him outside the room asking the nurse for a warm blanket. He layed the thin sheet over me and tucked it in at the sides. He held my hands in between his trying to keep me warm. I told him I was still cold and when he asked for another blanket, the nurse reported that she thought I was fine and didn't need another one. Silence followed except the creek of well worn hinges groaning as they were flexed. I felt the weight of warm blankets cover me, one by one. Apparently Will had taken it upon himself to empty the warmer of all it's contents and lay them across me.
The nurse returned to chastise Will. How dare he?! She then turned her angst on me. She berated me on the stupidity of being unbelted and instructed me of the guilt I should feel as this was solely my doing. She gruffly swabbed my forehead with a cold towel and told me to open my eyes. I refused and she got angrier. I told her I could feel glass on my eyelids and I was scared they would get in my eye. She ran the towel across my face and I could feel my skin being scratched even more. I couldn't take it anymore. I got angry but couldn't articulate through the sobs. With a sigh of disgust, I hear the squeak of a defiant shoe an then more silence. I decided I would prefer the silence to the biting words of an angry unsympathetic nurse. Somewhere in the distance I could hear the tail ends of a different lecture, this time it was a man that was doing the lecturing.
The clanging of metal and creak of leather accompanied the next pair of squeaky shoes. The sink ran and the washrag was twisted. A deep, soothing voice calmed my sobbing as a rough hand gently held mine. The other dabbed about my face. It was the same voice that I heard moments ago. After some care to my eyes, the calm voice coaxed them open. The room was bright and it hurt at first. The ceiling tiles ran above me and the white walls reflected the glare. A brown shirt and shining star appeared above me as well as a round smiling face. Gently he informed me that Will had been sent to the waiting room and that he had a single scratch on his shin that was now bandaged. I was issued my citation for the lack of a seat belt and I was told my new nurse would be in shortly and he had filed a complaint on my behalf due to the behavior of the previous nurse. For the first time, the shivering stopped.
I could hear the hustle and bustle outside the door of my room. I actually smiled when I heard that the waiting room was full of people that were waiting to see me. My new nurse came in and clucked and cooed as she gently removed the strap from my forehead. She replaced the now cool blankets with ones that were fresh from the warmer. She assured me that she had spoken directly with my parents in Florida and that they had consented to the x-rays of my wrist and hip. The doc came in and poked, prodded and quizzed. I was deemed well enough to sit up and be removed from my restraints. It took three attempts, but I was finally resting as comfortably as possible. I could hear Rick in the hallway, demanding to see me. When his face appeared in the doorway I could tell he was trying not to look horrified, but I could tell. My cousin Ray was behind him and they both looked as though they had seen a ghost. I knew then that it was bad. Really bad. They each gave me a hug and a strained smile before I was wheeled out for x-rays.
My aunt and uncle each held a hand as the doctor did his best to free my skin of the tiny shards of glass. More reinforcements in form of the 5' fiery storm known as Claudia were called in to convince me of stitches. After 45 minutes of a new form of torture known as glass removal, I had had enough. I just wanted to go home and try to forget what had happened. I was awarded my $10 seatbelt ticket and a brace for my wrist and an agonizing ride home.
I held it together until it came time to shower. With one good hand and spells of nausea and dizziness, I strained to remove my blood soaked clothes. I gingerly washed my hair and cried out in horror as a thick pelt of my hair circled towards the drain. I gave up and sat on the shower floor and cried. I surrendered to the guilt, the pain and the mutilation. I resigned to being disfigured for the rest of my life.
I spent the next year of my life dodging pictures, keeping long bangs and wearing hats low to cover my face. I am happy to say that after 8 years, I hardly notice my scars and even less frequently strangers comment.
I have to say that my experience as a patient in the ambulance, but more as a frightened kid definitely shapes who I am as an EMT today. I hold hands, reserve judgment, forgo lectures and dry tears, because sometimes, a little caring is the best medicine we can give.
A new level of stoopid.
Before the weekend I expressed my hatred for parades and the bottom feeders that generally attend only to have the chance to yell at the parade participants for their lack of generosity with the amount of sugary substances they are donating. This weekend I was exposed to a new level of dumb.
In order to ensure that the candy that was thrown was being shared evenly throughout the route, the organizers resurrected Ebeneezer Scrooge, gave him a golf cart and the authority to "monitor and regulate" the distribution. Insert giant seizure inducing eye roll here. We are seriously considering not even throwing candy next year.
If we do, these are the strict rules I will be following.
If your child is waving their little American flag, they will get thrown candy.
If your child is screaming or acting like a little shit-head, they will be thrown a carrot or perhaps a little broccoli tree.
If your child is smiling and waving, they will get thrown candy.
If your child is shoving other children out of the way in order to get to the candy that has previously been thrown, they will get a smile, a wave and a string of 'encouraging' words, under my breath.
If your child is wearing any combination of red, white and blue, they will get thrown candy.
If you tell me to throw candy to your child, I will smile, wave and throw candy just past your child's reach where other children will be able to snatch it up before he/she does. I will again smile and wave and tell you have a happy holiday weekend.
To summarize, if your child is a nasty, whiny, dirty, snotty little bastard I will ignore you and your child and he/she will receive no candy. If you have a problem with this, you can have your own spot in the parade and throw your candy to whomever you so choose.
In order to ensure that the candy that was thrown was being shared evenly throughout the route, the organizers resurrected Ebeneezer Scrooge, gave him a golf cart and the authority to "monitor and regulate" the distribution. Insert giant seizure inducing eye roll here. We are seriously considering not even throwing candy next year.
If we do, these are the strict rules I will be following.
To summarize, if your child is a nasty, whiny, dirty, snotty little bastard I will ignore you and your child and he/she will receive no candy. If you have a problem with this, you can have your own spot in the parade and throw your candy to whomever you so choose.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Bah-humbug.
I do not like parades.
I do not like whiny bratty children that yell at you for not throwing them enough candy.
I do not like parents that insult your heritage because you did not throw their children enough candy.
I do not like getting up early on a holiday to be one of three people washing and waxing trucks.
I do not like giving up my time with the Lieutenant to smile and wave at strangers.
I do not like wearing uniform polyester in heat.
I do not like that I do not like parades.
The first person that scolds me for not throwing them candy is going to get a sucker stick to the cornea.
Go ahead... make my day... punk.
Edit: I am on standby at the station in the second unit. Bernice is a happy girl.
I do not like whiny bratty children that yell at you for not throwing them enough candy.
I do not like parents that insult your heritage because you did not throw their children enough candy.
I do not like getting up early on a holiday to be one of three people washing and waxing trucks.
I do not like giving up my time with the Lieutenant to smile and wave at strangers.
I do not like wearing uniform polyester in heat.
I do not like that I do not like parades.
The first person that scolds me for not throwing them candy is going to get a sucker stick to the cornea.
Go ahead... make my day... punk.
Edit: I am on standby at the station in the second unit. Bernice is a happy girl.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
When one door shuts...
You better get your ass out the window.
Or something like that.
I have applied for an ER Tech job a few towns over. I would no longer be crossing state lines, but I would no longer have paid holidays and weekends off. It is a toss up on the pros and cons and honestly, I am not sure if this would be a smart thing to do. The biggest issue would be the significant reduction in pay and the switch in benefits. Also, I don't know if new insurance would cover the Lieutenants ongoing care from his accident. All things that must be considered. At least I don't have to worry about it just yet. After all, I should probably wait to worry until I at least get an interview.
Or something like that.
I have applied for an ER Tech job a few towns over. I would no longer be crossing state lines, but I would no longer have paid holidays and weekends off. It is a toss up on the pros and cons and honestly, I am not sure if this would be a smart thing to do. The biggest issue would be the significant reduction in pay and the switch in benefits. Also, I don't know if new insurance would cover the Lieutenants ongoing care from his accident. All things that must be considered. At least I don't have to worry about it just yet. After all, I should probably wait to worry until I at least get an interview.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Swing!
It seems that I have found a new calling in life. If there ever is a patient that needs to be restrained, you can just call me.
Unfortunately, I wasn't fast enough and he got me. It's hard to be mad when you see the saddness, confusion and fear in their eyes because their mouth betrays them.
My nose didn't hurt nearly as bad as my heart did.
Unfortunately, I wasn't fast enough and he got me. It's hard to be mad when you see the saddness, confusion and fear in their eyes because their mouth betrays them.
My nose didn't hurt nearly as bad as my heart did.
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