That's what I need because I have finally come to the realization I wear all my emotions right out there for everyone to see. Most times, they take up both sleeves.
Between the conversation I had with The Momma and relaying recent conversations with the Lieutenant, it all makes sense. I can't just pretend that everything is okay. I may say I can, but I really can't. Granted for those that may not know me as well as others probably wont notice, especially patients but on more than one occasion, I have had to be reminded to "wipe off the worry" while staring at the BP cuff wondering how in the hell a person can actually register a BP that high. If I am feeling sad, angry, happy you can tell. My mannerisms change, my tone changes and most of all, those horrible little field-goal-post lines find themselves permanently etched between my eyebrows.
As I laid in bed staring at the ceiling, I weighed the pros and cons of my new-found affliction. In some cases it is good. How many people go through life never revealing how they truly feel? I'm certain that can't be very healthy. But on the other end of the spectrum, having a sudden onset of motor mouth because you just have to get everything out RIGHT NOW isn't exactly stellar either. Especially when what you want to say may be beneficial for you, but in turn hurt someone else very deeply. Of course, along with everything else, moderation is key. So then how does one change how they are? I am pretty sure I would bite straight through my tongue or grit my teeth so hard I turn my pearly whites into dust.
I don't think I was always this way. I think back to when I was younger, before all the BS and pain and tears and I remember a girl who laughed often and let things roll off her back like nothing was ever going to bring her down. Sure I laugh now, but I don't think I laugh nearly as often as I used to. How the hell does one go back to that? Without all of the bad, I wouldn't be who I am today. But sometimes I sure do miss that girl.
I wonder what the real difference is between then and now - how I carried myself, if I spoke differently, has how I interact with others changed?
I want to be that carefree, fun-loving, laid back girl again. Not so much for me, but for him. I just don't know how to get there.
