A new level of stoopid.

Before the weekend I expressed my hatred for parades and the bottom feeders that generally attend only to have the chance to yell at the parade participants for their lack of generosity with the amount of sugary substances they are donating. This weekend I was exposed to a new level of dumb.

In order to ensure that the candy that was thrown was being shared evenly throughout the route, the organizers resurrected Ebeneezer Scrooge, gave him a golf cart and the authority to "monitor and regulate" the distribution. Insert giant seizure inducing eye roll here. We are seriously considering not even throwing candy next year.

If we do, these are the strict rules I will be following.

If your child is waving their little American flag, they will get thrown candy.

If your child is screaming or acting like a little shit-head, they will be thrown a carrot or perhaps a little broccoli tree.

If your child is smiling and waving, they will get thrown candy.

If your child is shoving other children out of the way in order to get to the candy that has previously been thrown, they will get a smile, a wave and a string of 'encouraging' words, under my breath.

If your child is wearing any combination of red, white and blue, they will get thrown candy.

If you tell me to throw candy to your child, I will smile, wave and throw candy just past your child's reach where other children will be able to snatch it up before he/she does. I will again smile and wave and tell you have a happy holiday weekend.

To summarize, if your child is a nasty, whiny, dirty, snotty little bastard I will ignore you and your child and he/she will receive no candy. If you have a problem with this, you can have your own spot in the parade and throw your candy to whomever you so choose.