As you read my blog, it may or may not be apparent that the Lieutenant and I are dealing with infertility. I really hate saying that though because according to our preliminary testing, we are plenty fertile people, we just have horribly bad luck, or something. Well, after a year and a half of trying and longer than that with the attitude of not trying, but not preventing, we are finally going to see a specialist. August 29th is D-day and I am terrified. It is a strange place to be in to hope for something to be wrong so it can be fixed and viola! A baby. At the same time, you really don't want anything to be out of order.
Growing up, you are led to believe you will do the bunny hop once and magically you will be pregnant, or not so magically, depending on the situation. In reality, infertility is incredibly common, we just don't go around asking our friends and families how long they were doing the horizontal tango before they actually conceived. So when the months roll by and then turn into years, it is especially hard not to be calloused, angry and bitter - all things I am desperately trying not to resort to.
The longer the time stretches, the more likely you are to confide in family and close friends. The problem with this is, there really is no good response to help with the emotions that come with it. ESPECIALLY if you have never experienced it yourself. So, because family and friends love you, they offer usually unsolicited advice in an effort to help any way they can. Most of the advice makes sense, eating healthier, reducing stress, losing weight, but some of it tends to just piss you right the eff off - just have fun, don't think about it so much, it is happening for a reason, etc. Eventually you learn to take it all in stride and with a grain of salt. Dealing with advice from others is easy compared to dealing with the struggle that goes on in your head and heart.
For me, all I ever wanted out of life was to be a mom. For a short while, I got to be a mother-figure to an amazing little boy who deserved every last bit of my love and adoration. It was amazing to see him grow and even more so to see him pick up little bits of my personality, even though he wasn't biologically mine. And then the day came when I had to say goodbye and let go. If anything, this solidified my need to have kids of my own, biological or not.
So now I am faced with my current situation. We talked about kids from the start. We both wanted them, even if we had a slightly different time-table. When the time came to start trying, we were excited, nervous and terrified. Our hopes were high and we expected our dreams to follow along and fall into place as we had anticipated. Boy were we wrong. The more time that went by, the harder it was keeping up hope and optimism. Finally we made the decision to talk to the doctor and she was baffled. There literally was not medical reason that she could identify that would explain our situation.
The real low blow came when we realized that our health insurance didn't cover any infertility diagnostics or treatment, including the testing we had just completed. I know it is my own fault for not checking into it before hand, but it would not have made any difference. Slowly we started sharing with family and friends looking for support and as was forewarned, it was almost more difficult with everyone waiting anxiously for news.
Little by little you learn to deal with each step as it comes. At no point does it become easy. This has been a constant uphill battle, especially for me. As hard as I try, I feel angry, disappointed, anxious and bitter. Friends continue to announce their pregnancies and even my sister has gotten pregnant with an "oops". It is especially hard to explain to them that you ARE truly happy for them and that you are overjoyed at their news while at the same time you are dying inside.
I stay insanely busy so I don't have to think about it or sit at home alone. I am told to not be so busy so I can not be as stressed which would mean sitting at home and thinking, getting more and more upset by the minute. I guess it falls into the viscious cycle category.
I'm not sure what I am trying to accomplish here, and I am sure I am coming off as a whiny dingbat, but honestly, I just need to braindump. One way or another, I will have kids. I just have to practice my patience first.
4 comments:
I love ya, hon. I wish I had some magical words to take away your pain. But you know you have a friend who is here to listen whenever you need an ear.
xoxoxox
Liz
Bernice, I didn’t even know where to start my comment to this. I just want you to know that I’ve been there. I’ve been sitting in the very same spot as you and the Lieutenant. Our D-Day was on a December 15th…4 years later, we are so grateful for that day, I can’t begin to tell you.
I have been through the torture and agony of waiting, the “kind words of advice,” and the somewhat patronizing tone, or desperate tone of family members.
We were very lucky to live in a state where fertility treatments are now required to be covered by insurance by state law. Every insurance has to cover at least 3 IVF treatments, for example. I know that’s not the case everywhere. I also know how much all the procedures cost. Its brutal, not just on the wallet, and bank account, but on the mind, and the soul, because you feel like you are forced to “buy” a child.
You are not whining…not in any way. You want, and deserve to be a mom. Every couple that has gone through this, and come out on the other end, with or without conceiving a child can understand what you guys are about to take on. Every couple that has been through this, including us, is very willing to listen, and be a sounding board.
I don’t expect you to post this on your comment section, but you can if you want to, in case other people are looking for info:
Here’s a few sites that I found helpful. I don’t know if you will, but I wanted to share.
http://www.sart.org/index.html
http://www.resolve.org/site/PageServer
This was our doc…I included his website, because he has lots of info about different procedures, and how many options there really are (its a lot more than just IVF, and things). I suspect you are like me, and need tons of information to feel confident about what you are about to go through. This guy was amazing…he gave us his cell phone and home email address so we could call with anything. Of course, we were some of his first patients. He opened his doors on December 1st that year, and 15 days later, there we were. Probably why he was so accommodating, because he probably can’t do that with every couple now. :)
http://www.parkavefertility.com/drlevi.htm
I just wanted to tell you that there are a lot of options out there…and that one way or another, like you said, you WILL be a mom.
I’m keeping every finger and toe crossed for you guys!
I found your blog kinda randomly and I want to say it is awesome.
I hope you might write someday about the little boy you loved, and what happened to him.
You're kind to realize that people with their dumb advice are just trying to help. It's hard to think of what to say to comfort someone. People should just nod more.
Bernice, you two are in my thoughts and prayers. As a test-tube baby with parents who tried for 5 years, I can understand. You have my love coming your way.
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