The drive to the mall was slow and painful. My old truck just didn't have the oompf it once did when it came to the air conditioner. If the heat wasn't bad enough, my raw nerves were going to finish me off. I hadn't seen T-bird in almost 6 months. It seemed to go that way since his visits solely depended my schedule and when I had time to pick him up and care for him while he was with us. I had rearranged the next few weeks and secured childcare for the times I couldn't be with him.
As I pulled into the parking lot, I could feel the hot acid coming up my throat. I was so nervous, I hadn't been able to eat any breakfast. I barely choked down a dry piece of toast and a sip or two of coffee. This was the time when I really started to worry. What if he didn't remember me? What if he doesn't want to come with this time? What if his poor three year old mind can't handle being away from his mother for a whole month? Choking back the doubt, I locked my truck and made my way through the heat to the mall's food court. I looked around, knowing I wouldn't be able to miss that white-blond head of hair. I started to panic again, thinking she had changed her mind and hadn't shown up. And then there he was. Quietly sitting at the table slowly munching his chicken nuggets after they had been dipped in honey. Immediately, my heart melted and I had to fight back the tears. He had to remember, he learned how to dunk his nuggets from me.
Slowly I came up to the table and said hello. Tracy stood and awkwardly hugged me. The pleasantries passed between us, even if they were forced and neither really meant it. It was just a way to cut the tension. I smiled at T and asked him how his nuggets were. He shyly smiled back and reached for more fries. I quickly ate my lunch next to him, chatting non-stop the whole time, desperately trying to win him over again before we left. After we had eaten, I gathered his suitcase and his car seat and his mom hugged him goodbye. I took his little hand and he bravely let me lead him outside. We stopped right before the doors to turn and wave one last time.
The ride home started off quiet despite the radio playing in the background. Hoping he would remember, I started singing the silly songs I had taught him during his last visit. It didn't take long before he was laughing and clapping for me to do it again. My heart soared.
When we arrived home, he was more than ecstatic to see his new room. Decorated with cars and Bob the Builder, he didn't know what he liked best. There were new toys to play with and plenty of exploring to do. I left him in his room to play while I started dinner. Shortly after, I felt a tug at my shirt and a little voice asked, "Can I help?" I pulled a chair in from the dining room and I showed him how to crack and egg. He did great, even if we did have to dig for a couple pieces of shell. Then it came time to knead the biscuit dough. He was in heaven and covered in flour from head to toe. He picked green beans to go with our
After dinner and his bath, it was time for bed. I asked him what story he wanted to read even though I knew which one it would be. I sent in his dad to read his bedtime story but he refused to go to sleep until I had tucked him in. There is nothing that will fill you with more joy, than the request of your love as final stamp on the day.
Every night was more of the same. Play time with cars, long walks in the yard, dinner at the end of the day. For weeks we sang, we laughed and played. It was our own little piece of heaven here on Earth.
The worst part of his visits were when I had to take him back home. No matter how much he missed his mom, he always hugged me before he left. I loved that little boy. Even though he was not my child, I held him when he cried, I soothed him when he was sad, laughed with him when he was happy and loved him as if he was my own.
The hardest decision I ever had to make, was to leave. I knew I would miss him and that a part of me would never be whole. Little did I know how big of a piece of my heart I would leave behind.
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