The way it is.

As I laid there, staring up at the darkness above me, the lump in my throat grew bigger and angier. I could feel the familiar sting poking the back of my eyes. I took one deep breath and held it until I could see the colors flash in front of me with every beat of my heart. I exhaled, trying to imagine all the anger and sadness leaving with my haggared breath. It wasn't working.

I rolled over to my side, trying not to shake the bed with my sobs. There was no need to wake him. I focused on the blue blur of my cell phone charging on the nightstand. I started counting. Anything would do to get my mind off of the present subject matter bouncing around in my head. I glanced at the alarm clock and calculated; four more hours until I have to pretend to be happy again.

I chuckled at the irony. The sad lonely hours of the night is the only time I can be sad. Here I don't have to fight the tears and emptiness. I sigh as it takes over. Somehow, the tears running down my cheek make me feel better. It is a relief to be able to finally cry.

I laugh a little. I sound like a bratty child that isn't getting a lolipop, but really, life isn't fair.

I am sad for myself, but it is the disappointment I see in his face that cuts the deepest.