The Itch.

No I am not talking about that itch. I'm talking about the need for patient care. My "real" job involves a lot of one on one time with a computer monitor and while it pays incredibly well, it isn't my 'thing'.

My family often jokes that I was born to do this. Between watching surgeries on tv while mowing down burgers or patching up my brothers without even flinching, they decided that I was destined to be in the medical field. My dad always pushed me to go to nursing school. I had the want, but not the will. I was young and stupid and "madly in love" so schooling was pushed further and further down my list of things to do.

Eventually I enrolled myself into EMT-Basic to see if I could "handle" the real blood and guts, not just the injuries that would result from backyard spats between my brothers. From the first day of class, I was hooked. I am still an EMT but a nurse I am not, despite my 'chops' for the medical field.

Flash forward 4 years and there I sit in massage school. Granted this program was no fluff and buff froo froo voodoo massage school. It was A&P, Pathophysiology, Kinesiology and more. And it was hard. It was challenging and I loved every second of it. I was convinced that doing medically-based massage was going to trip my trigger and whet my appetite for patient care. Boy howdy was I wrong.

Now, 5 years after I completed Basic, I sit at my cube in the cube farm and wonder and dream. I have realized I NEED it. It isn't a want. It isn't a 'cool thing'. Medical care is me. It is who I am.

I suppose at this point you are wondering why I don't just go back to school. Easier said than done. I have a husband, a mortgage, two car notes and three dogs. Top that off with the unsucsessful attempts at kids, the doctor visits to figure out why and a still healing husband and you have a glimpse at my life.

Every now and then I pretend that I could just up and quit, take a massive pay cut and work as an ER Tech or a FT EMT. I dream and let myself think it is a possibility for a bit, well, just because. And then I wake up, realize that is not how it is and die a little inside.

There is always a constant battle in my head between staying and going. The responsible side says "Stay, you've got it made in the shade. Besides you can't give up this pay and bennies!" And then the real me rears her sassy head and says "Eff that! Why spend your life wishing and wondering. Make it happen."

Who knows. Maybe some day I will throw caution to the wind and do what my heart wants and not what my head wants.... but then again, maybe not.