Thanks, but no thanks.

Some helpful hints for our "customers".

1. I truly appreciate a porch light on, a wave from the driveway or a flashlight beam to signal which house and or driveway I need to be headed towards. But for the love of Pete, please do not stand in the middle of the road wearing the darkest shades of black you own in order to get my attention. Not only does it scare the shit out of me, but I am sure you might end up with a skid mark of your own in your underoos.

2. Grabbing at my clothes and dragging me is not going to get you anywhere. If anything, it is going to really piss me off and I am going to deem the scene unsafe and leave to stage until a police officer arrives to keep you under control. I understand you are scared for your loved one, but yanking me around by the back of my shirt is not going to get me to hurry towards your house.

3. If you don't know what that "thing" is that I am pulling out of my bag, ask. I will gladly explain an oxygen cylinder to you. I promise it is not a time capsule in which I will place your wife's brains in order to send to my martian buddies on Jupiter.

4. If you don't know how to work it, don't touch it. You have now just disassembled the regulator on my O2 tank. I meant it when I told you that you shouldn't touch it. All I had to do, was turn one dial (coincidentally, the one thing you didn't completely unscrew) and viola! Oxygen! Now I have to waste 5 more minutes putting the damn thing back together.

5. If the rescue squad has already left, it is too late to change your mind. Grandma Goodcookie is already on her way to the hospital. We will not "just pull over" and do a little switcheroo so you can take her instead.

6. Do not hug me. I barely hug my relatives let alone strangers.

7. Please lock Kujo up before I get to your door. I will not come in your house until you do so. Especially when said dog just bit off your daughters nose.

8. Just because your fancy schmancy wrist BP cuff you got off a late night infomercial says you don't have a blood pressure, doesn't mean you really don't have one. Trust me, if you can sit and talk to me, you have some sort of pressure.