I really have some things I want to write about and honestly, I have but I just couldn't bring myself to publish them for public review/consumption/judgement.
So here it goes... I'll feel better after this, right?
**DEEP BREATH**
Recently, I made a choice. It wasn't a snap decision and it wasn't something that I came to lightly. I have cried until my sobs became dry body-wracking heaves, my stomach confusing it's contents for the dispair and isolation my nerve endings were brutalized by. I have rationalized and talked. And talked. And talked. And I have spent hours upon hours, laying awake in bed running through the last couple years of my life. Everyone expects a huge event, a defining moment for one to make such a decision and really I can't identify just one.
As I remembered, the bads seemed to outweigh the good. I forced myself to think about all the good stuff. The times I laughed until I cried, grasping at my stomach in blissful agony. The times I wanted nothing more than to have him at my side just because he could. The more I thought about the good stuff, the more it all hurt and the agrier I got. I knew things were on a steady decline and I know for a fact that there have been occasions where I just wanted to walk away. But that's not what you do. That's not how it is supposed to be. So I stayed and I fought the best way I knew how. Sometimes it was by fighting, which of course wasn't the perfect answer, but I was willing to fight for what I wanted and what I needed. I had to show my emotion somehow and crying just wasn't doing it. Yelling and screaming seemed so much more effective. It was then, and only then that I would get a reaction.
Eventually, I came to the realization that yelling couldn't possibly do any bit of good. Not for me and especially not for him. But I NEEDED him there not just emotionally, but physically as well. I NEEDED him to show he cared in a way I understood. I talked love languages. I asked what I could do. I tried everything I could think of - notes, dinners, favors, giving up time for his hobbies, brushing off the little things that bugged me; everything except outside help. Surely I could make him understand my way. Meanwhile, we both continued to drudge along with the day to day of life. Each of us living in our own sepearate worlds Monday through Friday and praying we could somehow meld together on the weekends.
We would often stay up late and talk for hours. Not once did we ever come to a conclusion other than "we ain't happy." And then we would both pass out from the utter exhaustion of the night.
Rinse and repeat.
Days into weeks, weeks into months and months into years.
We were two ships, each on our own course, passing through the night. Literally.
Toss in IF issues and you have yourself a real pile o' doo.
In no way am I making excuses for myself or for him. Honestly, I have not allowed myself to be sad about it all. Since I am the one that filed, deep down I don't believe I have any right to be sad. I'm sure some day soon, that wall is going to come head on fast and hard. I think the thing I am most sad about is that I hurt him, his family and my family. His family couldn't have seen it coming. I learned at an early age to put on a mask and do the dance in public. Your dirty laundry stays at home and therefore I put on the show. They really are great people. Supportive and loving. And while divorce certainly isn't a strange concept to them, it still breaks my heart to not be a part of their family anymore.
My family has certain expectations of me and while I know they love me and always will there are certain things that are, well taboo for the lack of a better word. The big 'D' is one of them. When you marry, you marry once and only once. There is little I hate more in this world than snakes and letting my family down. While this instance doesn't involve anything to do with slithering reptiles, I still feel completely and utterly the failure for letting them down.
All those feelings are small on comparison to the emptiness you feel with being sad all.the.time. Sure, occasionally I laughed. More often I cried. The fear of the unknown was almost as terrifying as the judgement I was certain I would receive from my family.
Then one day I was telling a dear friend that they had to do whatever it took to be happy. It is one thing to live your life worrying about everyone else first all while enduring each day instead of enjoying it. And a light went on. Why wasn't I enjoying every day of my life? Why wasn't I happy? Why wasn't I making myself happy?
Am I being selfish? Maybe. Depends on how you look at it.
Either way, this is how it is. A reality I have created and will take and make into a positive. Even if the road to better is long and sucky. I am now the driver and I am looking forward to getting to know my new Navigator a lot better as well.
