If I were a slab of delicious cow hide, I would be cooked to the point right before it ignites. Not medium or medium well. Black. Charred. Wasted.

It isn't about the saves or lack thereof. It is all about what is in my head. I just can't bring myself to get up off the couch, pull my clothes over my tired body and walk out the door to another call. Granted right now, we are in a Q or S phase so the opportunities are few and far between as it is. But when that pager beeps and squelches out my number, I just can't muster up enough give a damn to do anything about it.

There are a few EMTs from my department and the full timers that I enjoy working with and actually look forward to working with. I can count them on one hand and half of them aren't even at our station any more. I hate myself for cringing every time I hear certain numbers called out over the radio knowing I will be spending the next couple hours coaching someone through a call or deflecting jabs.

I knew when I became an officer, it was going to be hard. People will demand more of you than you ever thought possible and scrutinize with a magnifying glass that could set a buffalo on fire. And trust me when I say, they are. I try to be fair. I try to be as nice and gentle with sensitive subjects as I can, but it always seems that someone gets offended no matter what I do. Once that happens, bring on the drama. Like Brittany Spears meltdown drama.

Part of that is from living in a small town when half the department is related in one way or another. It blurs the lines of authority and it is hard to tell sometimes is someon is talking to you as their sister/spouse/friend or as their officer. It all depends on which hat they have on for the moment and really, what their intentions for the outcome are. So when you have a disagreement with one person you can guarantee that at least a third of the department will have heard about it in at least 24 hours. It is irritating. Especially when someone pulls the "I just wanted you to know so you were aware of it" card when really, they just want to make you look like a bad guy.

I'm tired of being the bad guy because I'm really not. I may have a bit of a rough exterior, but when you look a little deeper, there is a gooey mushy center. That is my fault. I care and I care too much. If someone doesn't like me, it drives me crazy. If someone thinks I am a crappy EMT, I will put myself inside out to prove them wrong.

I think part of the problem is I am very impatient. I have the ability to take my time and explain something to someone who genuninely doesn't understand. That is a skill I am very proud of. If they still don't understand, I try and find some analogy to relate it to, my favorite being all about glucagon. But when you have been an EMT for over three years and you still don't know how to use a safety lancet or put on the leads for the monitor, my fuse gets short. Really short. The part that gets me so riled, is that those people don't take the initiative to learn. Forgetting in a momentary brain fart is one thing as is switching the right and left lead (something I am constantly guilty of) but plain old apathy pisses me off. (And yes, I realize that my lack of motivation to go to calls makes me a giant hypocrite because most days, I don't care. But I am working on it and I hate myself for it.)

So what is a girl to do? Not only do I have my own issues to deal with, but the drama of others constantly running around with giant butcher knives just waiting for the opportune moment to plunge it into my back as fast and hard as they can. I don't know if I am really cut out for this whole officer thing. The other captain is not someone I can rely on and neither is the AC - both of which have two knives poised and ready. I fell into EMS on a whim and it became engrained in me and yet, I am on the brink of hanging up the coat and laying down the gloves - stuck somewhere between throwing in the towel and standing up and telling them all exactly where they can go.

And to thinnk, I actually considered taking the paramedic course in August. I can't handle what I'm doing now, how the hell am I going to handle paramedic class and clinicals?