Gardening is good.

I love being outside. When the sun is shining and the dogs frolick and play... oh wait, they just run away. But still, I love being outside. That is why I am planning a garden. The problem is, where do I put it? There is a section of grass that doesn't get much sun due to the direction my house faces and therefore is shaded 90% of the time. This causes a 50/50 of grass/mud patches and well, it is a giant pain in the arse to mow. So my solution is putting in pretty flowers and plants so I get to mow less and see pretty flowers and plants. The other option is to put it in the corner of the yard where the grass grows TOO well and it is harder than heck to get the mower in there. I'm not sure I can swing filling both areas with flowers/plants at least not this year, but I think I might want to fill both areas eventually. I have plenty of decorative brick from the front yard that is stacked oh so nicely and waiting to be used to section off these areas.

Here is a very sad and not to scale diagram of my yard.



I have also found adriondack chairs for $27 each at Menards. This makes me happy since they are 1/3 of the price of ones I found at Target and I'm guessing they are a much higher quality as well. However, the stone fire pit I want to put on the back porch is more than a little out of my price range, so I may have to wait on that. The chairs though, those are mine.

The good thing is that there are plenty of plants that I can move from the front yard to the back since they are getting ripped up with the wall dig anyway. Well, if that even ever gets finished. The bad part is, I am going to be doing this all by my lonesome. Well, unless I can convince Rick to come over for a day and help. Or anyone else for that matter. So in the mean time, I am planning and budgeting for the Great Garden Day. Which I think I might just start this Sunday. Or Saturday if no one comes to see me at the spa.

In light of this, I ask you, gentle readers, what is your favorite plant or flower? I am open to all kinds and I would need both shade and sun loving plants. Speak now or forever hold your peace.

Disgrace

I can't sleep. I can't get my thoughts straightened out. I found my muse, but I think he spent far too much time in the SoCo bottle because nothing is making sense right now. So I am defaulting to another meme. Sorry.


Part 1: The Birth of You

Were you a planned baby?: As far as I know, yes.

Were you the first?: Definitely not.

Who was present at your birth?: Well I know my mom and I were there for sure. And I'm guessing a doctor and maybe some nurses.

Were your parents married when you were born?: Yep.

What is your birthdate? August 26. I'm a virgo.


Part 2: The Family

Are you parents married or divorced? They are married.

An only child?: Definitely not. I'm 3/4.

If you have siblings are you oldest, middle, or youngest?: I have an older sister (Jeannie), an older brother (Rick) and a younger brother (Will). This does not count the many surrogate brothers I have gained over the years either.

What are your sibling's names?: See above. Well that's not their "real" names, but that's all you get to know.

Which parent do you get along with best?: Definitely my mom.

What do you fight about? With who? The subject matter changes on a day to day basis and it depends on who I'm speaking with.

Do you have step parents?: No, but I do have a couple sets of amazing couples that filled in from time to time.

Part 3: The Friends

Do you have more than one best friend? Yes. It's hard not to when your siblings are as awesome as mine.

What do you like to do when you are together? A crazy assortment of things really. Jo and I like Whack-A-Mole or wine and Grey's Anatomy. My sister and I shop. Oh boy can we shop. Rick and I usually eat. Well I cook and he eats. Will and I watch ridiculous movies and quote them until people get so annoyed they leave. I really think a true friend is someone that you can do just about anything with and have yourself a good laugh or two. Now that, that's JB. He can make just about anything fun.

Do you share the same interests?: In one way or another.

Which friend can you tell anything to?: Pretty much all of them.


Part 4: Your Personality

How high/low is your self esteem?: Well, there are times where I am very confident and then there are times that confidence barely exists.

Do you get depressed about things easily?: I'm not sure I get depressed about things, but my moods can swing pretty low some days and can be triggered by the silliest little things. Thankfully I have someone to give me a scolding.

Are you an extrovert (outgoing) or an introvert (reserved)?: Again, I think I should have been a chameleon because I can be the entertainment and I can sit back and observe. I am seemingly a very mood driven person.

Are you happy?: Yes. In fact I am.

Do you live life to the fullest?: I am trying to do more of that.

Part 5: Appearance

Are you comfortable with the way you look?: My scars tend to get to me from time to time, but then I realize that they are part of who I am. Part of my story. And it helps that every year they get lighter. Then again, I am a woman, I could come up with at least 5 things I would love to change faster than you can say perfection.

Describe your hair? Always straight. Usually dark brown. Always soft. Never the same length for more than 6 months.

How do you dress? Well usually one leg at a time. Har har har. No really, I would say I dress comfortably. There is nothing better than an old pair of jeans and a t-shirt. And don't get me started on the Nike's. Love them.

Part 6: The Past

Were you a strange child?: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha *gasp* ha ha ha ha... yes.

What did you used to love that you no longer do?: Bananas. I can't love them. :( Or avocados and salsa. I had that for dinner and then got a week long flu. It wasn't pretty.

Do you have the same friends?: I still have some friends from back in the day. We don't talk as often as I would like, but we never miss a beat when we do get together.

Was there anything in your past that was traumatizing?: Lots of stuff. Some funny, some sad and some just so so so so SO very wrong.

Part 7: The Future

What is your ambition?: My ambition? I am learning about myself and getting happy.

Are you scared of growing old?: Kind of. I'm terrified of the day that I realize that my body can't keep up with my mind or the other way around.

Do you want to get married?: Yes, some day I do want to get married again.

Part 8: The Outdoors

Do you prefer indoors or outdoors?: They each have their perks. The outdoors reveals so much beauty and splendor and the indoors has comfy couches and beds. And air conditioning.

Favorite Season: They all have their perks, but fall might be my favorite. It is so pretty here in the fall.

Do you like walking in the rain?: It depends. How warm is it outside?

Part 9: Food

Are you a vegetarian?: Definitely not.

What is your favorite food?: I can't pick just one thing! Are you kidding me?

What food makes you want to gag? Pea soup.

What is your favorite dessert? Again, why are you making me pick just one? But if I have to pick, chocolate covered strawberries. I swear I could eat a pound of them!

What is your favorite restaurant?: As of late, it has been Japanica, but it may be the company more than the food.

Are you a fussy eater? Heck no! I love food. I'm an equal opportunity eater.

Part 10: Relationships and Love

Are you single or taken?: I'm not sure how to answer this one right now. I'm married, but separated.

If taken who is the lucky guy/girl?: Uh...

Do you think love is the best feeling in the world?: It is one of them, yes.

Do you believe in love at first sight?: I don't, but I know some people do. I don't think it takes long to realize there is something there, even if it does take some people longer than others.

Part 11: Experiences

What was one of your greatest experiences?: Honestly, being there for the birth of my nephew. Some may think its really odd to be that close to my sisters unmentionables, but it was such a huge honor to be there for her emotionally and physically.

What was one of the worst?: Begging for something someone couldn't and wouldn't give me.

Have you ever done drugs? Nope. Nothing illegal anyway. The last few days have been a dayquil/sudafed haze.

Have you ever thought you were going to die?: Yes. Only once and it had nothing to do with windshields or car accidents.

Dear Family...

Calm down! I am not talking about you.

Love,

B

Chase Away the Burnout!

Turn it up and shake your butt. You know you want to. And even if you don't want to, it's good medicine. Trust me. Do it. Do it now!

From the Archives

From the archives, finally brave enough for publishing.

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Suffocating

She could feel the tension all day. It usually started as a nagging pull somewhere at the base of her skull but today was different. Today it pulled at her chest. Shrugging it off, she picked up her notes and headed to the conference room. Hour by hour, the time ticked by slowly marking her way through yet another work day.

When her silence became too much, a friend stopped by just to check. Just her presence pulled the tears out of her eyes, pooling on her lids and bitterly spilling over into her sweaty palms. Her heart quickened, thudding in her chest, in her ears, in her mind. It was apparent they were fighting again, taking a final chip out of her soul. Somehow it was evident something had broken inside of her. The final shred of hope had been flickering, waning in strength and intensity and now all she could do was sit there. Her limbs felt heavy and numb, the only feeling was the fire in her heart rapidly cooling.

Guided by the arm, she was led quickly to the car away from the prying eyes of gossiping coworkers. Before she knew it, she was talking. Mostly nonsense broken periodically by haggard breaths and sobs. She was surrounded by the love of a true friend and yet her heart shattered. In every passing moment the agony intensified. Emotions ran their course, some waiting their turn, some trampling over the one before it causing a confusion she couldn't understand. Anger, bitterness, resentment, sadness, disappointment and fear. They all washed over her in unrelenting waves, each one knocking her further to her knees.

It was strange to her this being taken care of. That was her job, her calling, her passion. And yet, there she sat an unstable puddle of emotion with them flitting around her. The dark circles under her eyes were slowly being overtaken by a puffiness a crying eye knows. The skin on her face was tight from the tracks of her salty tears.

Pulling it together momentarily, she somehow convinced the blurred faces she would be okay but in reality, all she could think about doing was curling in a ball and squeezing herself to the point where her muscles ached and provided some sort of distraction. And so it went. She wept until there were no more tears left and fell asleep to the rhythm of her own sobs.


Dark, sad eyes peered back over a hue of purple reserved only for the miserable. Surely she was dreaming, but in case she was not, she reached over for concealer and dabbed until the hue turned a lighter shade of lavender. Surprising herself, she worried that someone would think she had been hit, which surely wasn't the case.

She passed the work day by avoiding eye contact and keeping her eyes downcast, praying no one would comment on her look of utter exhaustion. Whether it worked or people were too polite to intercede, she didn't care. She had made it through another day. Surely, tonight would be easier with the distraction of company. She was right. The hours of the evening passed smoothly with only one knowing look from a brother that knew her well enough not to say anything. With a lingering hug, he whispered that he loved her as he walked out the door. With a deep breath, she steeled herself against the silence of the house. Surely she should be accustomed to this by now.

The routine for bed was something that provided a few moments of comfort. Something she could control and rely on. Her pajama pants where right where she had left them hanging over the side of her hamper. She straightened the sheets and crawled in. The exhaustion made her head spin as she prayed for sleep to come. Staring into the darkness, she could feel her heart pumping faster, emotions pulling at her throat and causing her lungs to burn for oxygen. Her head spun as she frantically tried to calm herself. The silence clung to her skin and crept into her bones causing an ache that mimicked that of her heart. Her chest was tight. She couldn't breathe.

In a flash the light was on and she was stuffing clothes into a bag. She frantically wiped at the tears that blurred her vision. Anger crept up her spine. It wasn't supposed to be like this. She was supposed to be happy. How could she have let this happen again? She could taste the bitterness on her tongue as the cool air of the night surrounded her, steadying her mind, even if for a moment.

An angry chuckle scratched it's way up her throat. This was a drive she had made before. A drive to the only people she knew would love her no matter what. The lights were on in the house, the love that resided inside beckoning to her.

After a pitiful crying jag, she managed to calm herself enough to talk. Trying to explain how she felt, her mother's comforting touch let her know that she understood. Love and acceptance warmed her and slowed her breathing. Of course she had a bag with enough clothes for a couple days at least.

She seemed to float through the house, unaware of her feet moving at all. Everything around her seemed to dull, so empty. She prepared for a night on the pull out couch her mother had carefully covered with clean sheets. Resigned to an long night ahead of her, she laid down anticipating the darkness unaware of the storm that was brewing.

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Control

Her day started as any other. Too early and too quickly. The alarm tore through her fitful sleep, a not so gentle reminder of the day that lie ahead. Trudging a trail to the bathroom, she flicked on the light and started the shower. Something she had done so many times it was practically second nature. Sleep was something she had not had in weeks if not months but instead resolved every night to hoping the nightmares would stop. A glance in the mirror revealed the same dark circles she saw the day before.

She stepped into the shower, pleading for the hot water to wash away the pain and exhaustion. While the water failed miserably, the comforting floral smell of her soap fed the small hope in her that today would be better. Today the emptiness would be less.

Everything was routine providing a measure of comfort with its repetition. The same commute, the same cup of coffee, the same emails to tend to. She anticipated the phone calls less these days. They were shorter and less frequent which of course only provided more anxiety to her already overloaded mind. But inevitably every time it did, she knew there would be a fight. A misunderstanding that would only cause her to sink lower.

It was a vicious cycle. A monotony that she came to count on and dread. The day ended like most others. The same commute back home with her eyes closed, wishing for a moment of peace. She had resolved to a night of cleaning and organizing. Something to give her a false sense of control. Something she had no desire or energy to do for weeks now.

She forced herself into her Nikes and shorts and dutifully turned on the treadmill. A Walk In The Clouds played out before her as she felt the familiar burn in her calves. A story of love and sacrifice. Certainly this wasn't going to help. She reached for the remote and switched off the tv. As she focused on the steady pace of her footsteps, the wine of the motor began to mock her. Her ribs ached and she felt the sharp pang of acid toying at the base of her throat which was only being held back by the lump that predicted the downfall she was about to have.

It was then she realized she was holding her breath. Surely this was nothing short of stupid, particularly when running. She took a ragged breath in and before she knew it, she was on her knees sobbing into sweaty palms. Despair, loneliness and shame washed over her and beat her along with her sobs. Her mind raced to form a plan because surely a plan would give her comfort. Allow her to rely on something solid, something that couldn't possibly change. As her mind raced, her lungs heaved and the sobs continued.

After a time, the crying stopped but her emotions lay ragged and exposed. Oversensitive to anything that could touch her. Wanting the one thing she couldn't have. The one thing she didn't deserve. So she sat unsure of what else to do but just breathe.

And here I am, pretending this isn't my own nightmare.