Helpful Hints

It never ceases to fail me that much like the unspoken rule of urinals I hear so much about, people do not know the ettiquite of public transportation. So we shall discuss a few general rules. Todays edition: The Airplane.

Most airlines board by zone or row. I'm going to take my chances and assume you can count from 1-10 and I dare I say even 10-1. Therfore, if they are loading the plane starting with zone 1 and you are seated in zone 6, please do not stand directly in front of the podium causing the rest of the plane to squeeze by you while trying to deflect the lazer beams flying from your judo death stare for bumping into you. Standing there will not get you onto the plane faster.

Airlines generally try to load planes quickly. This means there may or may not be a bit of a backup down the walkway to the plane. Once you have made it this far, the plane will not leave without you. You are guaranteed your spot on the flying machine. Therefore, there is no need to stand so close to the person in front of you that they can identify the exact ingredients included in your last meal and your body temperature. Imagine everyone in the world has a safety bubble of at least a foot. If you pop their bubble, this gives them the opportunity to pop you based on the sole fact that it's just not nice.

When stowing your carry on luggage, it is deemed polite to stow your suitcase with the wheels to the rear of the compartment. You are no more important than the rest of us and your bag certainly does not require it's own compartment all to itself. If you would like preferential treatment, feel free to upgrade your ticket to first class and leave us poor schmucks to our allotted share of overhead compartment. Another way to ensure your bag will stow easily, it is adviseable to measure your carry on after you pack. This will ensure a proper fit in the overhead compartment. If you pack like I do, your luggage can swell up like grandpa after Thanksgiving dinner before you finally get around to zipping it closed. This will save you time and few beads of sweat.

When on an airplane if there is a row of three seats and two people, it is general knowledge that the middle seat becomes the 'buffer seat'. This ensures there is no elbow wars over the 2" wide arm rest. You can lean comfortably from one side to the other without fear of sharing your severe halitosis with your neighbor as you snore and create a river of saliva from your mouth to shoulder. Also, it is polite to ensure that you have decent hygeine and have recently showered or are at least mostly free of offensive bodily odors. Deodorant is a beautiful thing. Cologne and perfume can be severely offensive.

If you are not fortunate enough to have a buffer seat, please be respectful of your temporary neighbor. Holding out your hand in hopes that they will share their $80 airport shop gummy bears with you will get you nothing but a high five from this girl.

Traveling can sometimes be pretty stressful, particularly when the airlines overbook their flights or routinely fail to get their planes in on time. But with these simple little hints, everyone's travel experience can be just a little less unpleasant.